I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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