i need an iv and a liver transplant
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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