Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My penis needs a shock collar
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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