I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
