drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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