if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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