Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
