Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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