I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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