in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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