The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
