Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
