I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
