thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
