and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
