If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
