Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
you never un-have a 4some
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
