She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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