I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
