i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
