i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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