no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
