i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
