MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
