Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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