i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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