Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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