I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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