oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
