he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
