I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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