i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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