should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
