I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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