life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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