he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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