Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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