Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize