Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
