i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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