he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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