the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
