my sisters under your porch take her home
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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