Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
