I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
