im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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