He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
