The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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