in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
