I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
