Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
did i just pee glitter
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