I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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