I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
