sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
