The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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