I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
